My wife and I sit down for a Life-Dinner-Date (LDD) every month.
The reason is to answer one in-depth question: “Are we aligned on our roads in life?”
I say roads because however much you’d like to think of being on the same road with your life partner, you are not.
The proof lies in another question: “Have you ever experienced how someone you love deeply can become a total stranger in a moment?”
If you are in a long-term relationship, the people who started the relationship are not the same people who will end it. Just like the world changes, people change. You cannot rely on the feeling or reason that started the relationship to be a lifelong success criterion for you and your partner.
That’s why Lisa and I are mindful to see whether we are still aligned or need to adjust certain things. We've come to accept that we are an outcome of our decisions and not our circumstances.
“We need to talk” was a statement I feared in my earlier relationships. With the LDD Method, that fear disappears. Now, I look forward to our dates because I get to see how much my partner has changed. And perhaps more importantly, how I have changed.
For us, we have changed a lot. Much of this change has been because of how turbulent our lives have been since we got together.
In the four years we have known each other, we spent two years suddenly homeless during the pandemic, which led us to live nomadically in five countries between Asia and Europe, all while trying to maintain our jobs and running a company.
Then, my wife’s father passed from sudden cancer, and the year after, my mother died also from cancer. We spent more than six months providing palliative care to our parents, loving them, and doing what's needed when a life comes to an end.
The years with my wife have been by far the hardest, most stressful, and saddest years in my life, and I could not be more grateful. Yes. Grateful. The reason is that I have been fortunate to have gone through these experiences with someone I love and whose road aligns with my road in life.
"You Outcalm me, I Outcalm you." - Lisa (2021)
You better be aligned with your life partner when life hits you like a hammer. Because they will also be influenced by the hardship that enters your life, you need to know that your person is ready, loves you right, and has the capacity to help you carry suffering.
We have been good at this because of the frequency of changes that came into our lives in the short time we have been together. We had to create a method for alignment, and I would like to share this method with you.
Change Your Relationship in One Night
Plan an evening each month for you and your life partner. Lock in the date and give yourself plenty of time (at least 4 hours). The whole reason for this date is to give you more surplus in your life.
Book a place that offers a quiet ambiance. You are there to talk, not to yell. Do not use the LDD method at home; you need to be in a different environment to set the scene.
Before going on your date, make sure you commit to the following virtues:
What is said on this date is not to attack or call out inadequacies in our relationship but to make an effort to create a shared space where we can both be seen as the people we are.
What is shared will be shared with truth and kindness. We will do our best to speak in a manner that is considerate.
We will remain present with each other in all moments that will occur, the happy, the awkward, and the ones that really hurt.
The virtues are easier said than done. However, that is why the LDD method requires plenty of time. Do not stress answering, and be mindful of what words you choose to use.
When unsure how to say something, I often include a disclaimer, such as: “What I say next might sound hurtful, but this is not my intention. I intend to communicate my feelings; please bear with me as I try my best.”
Lisa and I made a vow to do our best to speak the truth, even at the cost of hurting each other when we do. It sounds virtuous to say, but really it sucks in the beginning. No one likes hurting feelings, especially in a relationship, so take your time sharing them.
The LDD Method
Part 1: The Interview
What makes you most proud of me?
What battles have I won that I did not realize I was fighting or that I had won?
How have I been loving you right and loving you wrongly?
What in my life deserves more attention?
What causes me anxiety and stress about the future?
Part 2: The Road
How have we grown together?
Each partner finishes the sentence: “In one year, we will be…”
When have we been strongest together?
When have we been weakest together?
Who are the people that help us in life?
Each partner finishes the sentence: “We need to be better at…”
Part 3: The Final Words
Each partner finishes the sentence: “I feel most drawn to you when…”
LDD Methodology
Part 1 works like an interview wherein one person asks the other
Once one person is through, it switches.
Personally, I like Part 1 the best because it is similar to a coaching session. You spend time helping your partner see their own blind sides, wins, and what deserves more focus. I am always surprised as to how much Lisa observes in my life.
Part 2 is The Road of your relationship
On The Road, you discuss:
what you have gone through together
where you are and
where you are heading.
The Road is a practice to stop up and take note of whether you are still aligned on how your relationship is developing and where you are going together.
For Lisa and me, the road is never clear, and the circumstances of turbulent changes in our lives have humbled us always to be prepared to change direction. It is not that we want to change direction. We set goals and work towards them together. But sometimes life has other plans for us.
Part 3 is the Final Words, which concludes the Life Dinner Date
“I feel most drawn to you when…” is an ode to your partner’s individuality and mystique. I did not come up with this statement but borrowed it from my favorite relationship therapist, Esther Perel.
Often, I find myself most drawn to Lisa when she stands independent from our relationship. When she takes action to build her career, she surprises me, or when she goes away and later reunites with me. Ironically, it is when there is space between us that I long for her the most.
The LDD Method is Yours to Modulize
Please hack the questions and format. The LDD Method is not fixed but should be customized to fit your relationship.
You may have kids or have challenging careers that do not allow you to take a whole night for both of you every month. Make it every quarter in that case, but don’t wait too long! The longer you wait, the more likely you won't do it.
The real intention of the method is for you and your partner to create a shared relationship with the truth. I want you to be curious about the person you love; that curiosity will make your relationship flourish.
Lisa and I have come to expect life to throw curveballs at us. Therefore, the LDD Method is an essential part of our relationship because we need to know that we are still ready to take on what comes next. And love each other in the process.
I don’t know what the future will bring, but what I do know is that this present moment needs to be as aligned, calm, and beloved with those I share it with.
I hope the LDD method brings you and your life partner much truth, alignment, and happiness.
