As I reflect on my 34 years of life, what has stopped me from feeling good about my life is the belief that others are better off. I went to S21, a place of great suffering. They call visiting these sort of sites dark tourism. I went and learned to bear witness to suffering, and in turn was able to let go of some of my own ideals.
As I reflect on my 34 years of life, what has stopped me from feeling good about my life is the belief that others are better off.
Not all comparison is bad, but it turns bad quickly when what we compare is unrealistic and out of context. We compare without empathy. With AI and social media, comparisons have become completely unrealistic. We now compare our messy, honest, and vulnerable inner selves with others’ perfectly curated outer.
It is healthy to reset our comparison ideals. Going to a very dark place can instantly set things into perspective and reset ideal. There is no shortage of these dark places - whether in our human history or within our own past.
Sitting in a dark place can be a strong experience, but you will realize that the present holds every opportunity to move away from this dark place, especially if you can do so in a deliberately calm manner.
Disclaimer: I am not a licensed therapist, and I do not encourage you to read or use any of my proposed exercises if you are currently working through trauma, grief, or any other psychological therapy.
S21, dark tourism and resetting my mind
It was a beautiful Saturday afternoon in Phnom Pheng. We walked through the gate into the old schoolyard surrounded by frangipani and mango trees. There was a group of young students in front of us; a few girls were smiling at me and Lisa, which in turn made us smile back at them.
To the ignorant eye, this could very well just have been an old school turned into a park in the middle of the city. However, I was walking in one of the greatest places of suffering in human history. One where 20,000 people were killed, many of them children, and it was all just 40 years ago.
S21 or Tuol Sleng (”Hill of the Poisonous Trees”) is a museum chronicling the Cambodian genocide by the Khmer Rouge regime. The site is a former secondary school that was used as a security prison, torture, and execution ground. For this article, I will not dive into the history but encourage you to read about it or, even better, visit the museum if you have the opportunity. It is a humbling experience.
I am interested in the history of human suffering and have studied other less-known events, such as Unit 731 and the Bataan Death March. I believe they are important events that should not be forgotten. However, this was the first time I had ever physically experienced a historical site of this nature. Especially one that is so recent and seemingly forgotten.
I do not believe in the supernatural, but I believe that human suffering lingers in the air and that human compassion and empathy can be confused as otherworldly. Writing about my experience now brings tears to my eyes. Tears also accompanied me as I was walking the halls of S21 and learned of its cruel history.
It was as if nothing ever mattered as much as bearing witness to this spec of human suffering.
Look up! The Reason You Are Unhappy
“We have paleolithic emotions, medieval institutions, and god-like technology. No wonder we are so goddamn confused.”
When people ask me why I left Denmark, “The happiest country in the world,” I often don’t say what I truly feel: that I was unhappy. I love Denmark, and I am grateful and privileged to be a Dane, but I have always felt as if something was keeping me from being at peace.
Six years after moving from Denmark and having studied the “Nordic Noir” phenomena, I believe it’s multifaceted, but one key driver was the tyranny of comparison. You feel crazy not to be at peace in a society designed for peace.
“You have a higher chance to die from your own hand than in armed conflict and natural disaster combined.” Yuval Harari, Homo Deus
The human mind is not designed to be at peace; on the contrary, it always looks for things to optimize for. When everything is good, what can be better? Our ancient brain does not evolve as fast as our high-tech society.
Personally, my relationship with social media, my former career, and certain people I had in my life would nudge me to form my beliefs in such a way that I was never enough – that my life was bad. No amount of external wealth or well-being would make up for this.
I was living in the world’s best country, and it was as if I thought I had a service-level agreement in place, expecting things to get fixed for me. I was complaining about things I could not do anything about, comparing myself to people I had no reason to envy.
I was always looking up, thinking, “If I only could reach a little higher, I’d get to where I need to be.” In many ways, I was ignorant, thinking I should look upwards rather than downwards to see just how tall I was already standing.
How to put out an oil fire
An oil fire is one of the most dangerous and difficult fires due to its violence and abundant fuel source.
Do you know how to put out an oil fire? You set up a controlled explosion next to it. The explosion will put out the oil fire by stealing away its oxygen, much in line with the saying: “Sometimes you need to fight fire with fire.”
What if I told you that this technique could be used when dealing with dark emotions or feeling that your life is in a bad place?
No, I am not saying you should blow something up, at least not literally. What I mean is that you can expose yourself to something controlled and directed that can blow you out of your state of being. These can include experiences such as:
An explosive physical exercise, or
an explosive emotional experience.
I’ve long been a fan of exercise as a means of maintaining my physical and mental health; however, over the last few years, I have taken an increased interest in explosive emotional experiences.
Explosive emotional experiences are experiences so overwhelming that they influence your neuroplasticity. Neuroplasticity is your brain’s ability to change; similar to how muscles grow when exposed to exercise, your brain changes from exposure to experience.
The stronger the experience, the more impactful the change. This is why PTSD or grief leaves lasting mental problems. It can also be induced by small nudges of experience, such as doom scrolling and the constant exposure of negative information fueling an inner oil fire of dark emotions. This is why we should be digitally mindful of our information consumption.
However, explosive emotional experiences can be engineered for good. Some can be induced by psychedelics, but I believe a more deeply impactful experience is the awe of true compassion and empathy for others or for myself in a moment of suffering.
“We cry when words and actions are insufficient for the expression of our soul.”
History is a great teacher of empathy
As a kid, one of my favorite subjects was history. I especially enjoyed the wars of history and how great soldiers and heroes fought for the ideals they believed in. As I’ve grown older, I have become more aware of the byproduct of war – the innocent suffer the most.
It is hard to teach a kid empathy through history; at least for my sake, I did not have the life experience of what it means to go through great suffering. However, it was much easier to empathize with others suffering once I had first-hand experience with what it means to suffer in my own world.
Sitting in the schoolyard after having walked through the buildings of S21 strangely left me deliberately calm. I was not angry or frustrated, sad or anxious; it was more like I had just returned from a long meditation. I felt an immediate responsibility for my life, to live well and to do my best to be good but be open-minded and critical of what “good” means.
In my eyes, that is the great power of history; it not only allows us an understanding of the acts of time but to witness the great suffering that so many people had to endure for us to be here today. At S21, many of these people were never identified, most of them forgotten; sitting as a witness to their history is an explosive emotional experience.
“The first step to empathy is the willingness to witness without judgment. As such, you can empathize with the living and the dead.”
Compare, but have empathy
“Compare yourself to who you were yesterday, not to who someone else is today.” – Dr. Jordan B Peterson, 7 Rules for Life
Dr. Peterson was one of the first to make me live by the rule of self-comparison. However, in the years to follow, and in particular after visiting S21, I’ve chosen to live with my own iteration: “Compare. but empathize with the one you were yesterday and with those who are no longer here today.”
About five years ago, I went through what I consider one of my rebirth moments in life. From that time, I have pictures, videos, and writings that I recorded of my then-present moment. Sitting with them today causes me both to smile at the adventure that was to come for my past self and also empathize with the suffering I, at that time, thought was rock bottom.
I know this read might have been a dull article, and perhaps you feel as if I have ruined your mood for the day. So let me tell you why your life is good:
You. Are. Alive.
Everything aside, you are a part of the small percentage of the human history that is living. You are, at this moment, the best-equipped person to live your life the best way possible.
“Treat your future self as your present best friend. The paradox is that you don’t know that person yet, but that person knows you all too well. He lives because of you. You are in the best-placed position to do them good.”
Maybe it still feels as if the days are dark, and you’ve tried to sit with the emotions, then do the following:
Put out your inner oil fire. If you can’t go for a HIIT workout or muay thai, design an emotionally explosive experience to contrast to your present.
Empathize with your past self or those who are no longer here. There is much wisdom for the present if you can sit as a witness to the past.
Live and do so well.
You are currently in the best time, with the best people, and capable of doing the best acts to live the best life (Leo Tolstoy agrees). I hope this thought stream serves your life in the best possible way.
These are my personal learnings from a deeply moving experience and the privilege to live in a world that may not be perfect but allows me more freedom than so many moments in history. My deepest respect and condolences go to the souls of S21 and all of their families.
Yorumlar