In my 20s, I mostly broke up with romantic partners, but entering my 30s, I broke up with business partners, friends, and even once with my mother. Now I am learning to renegotiate my relationships instead.
In my 20s, I mostly broke up with romantic partners, but entering my 30s, I broke up with business partners, friends, and even once with my mother. Breaking up is similar to walking away from the negotiation table. Either you have nothing to offer, your partner has nothing to offer you, or (in the worst-case scenario) the foundation of the relationship is so rotten that neither can see reason to continue it.
The break-ups I’ve experienced were mostly due to either not having anything to offer or not having an ask – seeing no reason to stay. In a few instances I have been just too hurt and outraged to want anything to do with the person.
Relationships are transactional.
The reason I throw my personal and professional relationships in this mix is to illustrate how all relationships are transactional. Does this mean I expect to gain from of all my relationships? Yes, and so should you!
Here is what I expect from my relationships (this goes both ways):
Over time you Outcalm me.
If you do not Outcalm me over time, you pay me.
If you do not Outcalm me over time, and you do not pay me, we renegotiate the terms of our relationship.
If we cannot find terms, which we both agree with, we break up.
Hold on – I know what you are thinking. Do romantic or personal relationships have such black and white terms? I don’t keep score or balance the books with my loved ones!
I disagree. While you might not actively keep score you do expect some form of reciprocity, shared goals, and mutual care.
In a transactional relationship, everyone seeks to maximize their gains and minimize their losses, often through a series of exchanges or negotiations. While this perspective might seem unromantic or overly practical, it does provide insight into the dynamics of human connections.
Ultimately, recognizing the transactional aspects of relationships can help us understand why we form connections with certain people and how to maintain those connections over time.
There are two pains in life, the pain of regret and the pain of discipline.
Every relationship has an emotional contract that remains unspoken at least until the point when conflict arises. You know exactly what it means when you receive the text message stating that “we have to talk” (or WHTT statement). It means that an unspoken agreement between you and another person needs to be addressed.
But how do you speak about an unspoken emotional agreement about how you treat each other? How do you agree in a way so that no partner feels like they live with compromise? In other words, how do you figure out how to Outcalm each other?
Regret frequently follows the dreaded “we need to talk” conversation. These discussions typically stem from a series of compromises made over time. Some people claim that compromises are inherent in every relationship, but I beg to differ. Relationships don’t involve compromises; they involve a lack of negotiation.
Living with compromises in your relationship means you’re living with unspoken terms, which your partner may or may not be aware of.
I almost broke up with my mother.
Let me tell you a story. I’ve experienced tough negotiations with ruthless attorneys, greedy investment bankers, and highly emotional co-founders, but the most challenging negotiation I’ve ever faced was with my mother during one of the final chapters of her life.
My mother, a 72-year-old divorced Thai woman with no formal education, was diagnosed with stage four cancer. She had to immediately begin an intensive chemotherapy treatment process to combat the aggressive disease. During this time, I, her 33-year-old son with a life and job in Bangkok, moved into her home in Denmark to support and comfort her through what might have been the most difficult time in her life.
Do you know what is worse than facing your own mortality? Facing mortality while feeling weighed down by compromises and arguments with family.
Despite Thai culture and onlookers’ opinions that I was doing the right thing, it took less than two weeks for my mother and me to start clashing, just as we had when I moved out 16 years earlier. There is nothing more humbling than moving back in with your parent.
I realized that throughout our entire relationship, we had never discussed how we should treat each other. Things had always been the way they were. She had seen the first 16 years of my life day in day out – but my life had continued for another 16 years, and I was no longer the same person.
Relationships are dynamic, and so are their terms. My mother and I acknowledged that our relationship was causing us both distress (Outrage), so we decided to sit down and renegotiate our terms.
What renogotiating my relationship with my morther made me realize:
My mother outrages me when comparing me to others, especially my 16th year old self.
I outrage my mother when I parent and take care of her instead of enabling her to take care of herself.
We outrage each other when we live under the same roof for more than a few days. Our lifestyles are just not compatible anymore.
I Outcalm my mother when I help her see her friends, arrange her travels or manage of her finances.
My mother Outcalms me when telling me that she loves me.
We Outcalm each other when we share a meal together.
Terms can be simple!
My most significant revelation was the simplicity of the relationship terms we agreed upon (and the fact that many people have the same issues with their parents). Nowadays, our relationship is the best it has ever been, and my mother is doing well with her treatments (she’s even planning a trip around the world!)
Renegotiating your relationship is a lifelong commitment to shared truth. Whether romantic, professional or personal relationships, the same principles apply – any loss you experience for making effort towards shared truth is not loss, its alignment.
It is in that shared truth you can begin to nourish the principles of an Outcalmed relationship. A relationship where you know how to Outcalm your partner, your partner knows how to Outcalm you and you both know what creates outrage in the relationship.
Three things to keep in mind when renegotiating your relationships:
Time and setting. You can’t do this on a night out and you can’t do this with employees or anyone around. You need to commit to a private space with only your partner and you. However, don’t shoot over a WHTT statement via email, instead initiate a ritual that is recurring and that you can look forward to because it grows your relationship.
Honesty without kindness is tyranny. You want to be honest, but what you are going for is to create a shared relationship to the truth. Without kindness you are negotiating for the sake of yourself, not the relationship. Try this disclaimer for starting an honest conversation: “I am going to try and explain how I feel with examples that might hurt you, I want you to know that it is not my aim to hurt you, but to use my words as best as I can to describe my feelings.” Additionally, introduce kindness as foundation of the negotiation. Use these three questions to kickstart empathy: “What about our relationship has surprised you the most?”, “What have I become better at in our relationship?”, “What would you call this chapter of our relationship?”
Expect morning sickness. Understand that renegotiating a relationship not necessarily feels good. Fairness never feels fair, but this is also where you pay attention to behavior. Over time, assuming you’ve spoken about the Outcalmed relationship, you will feel the difference. If not, it’s time to return to the negotiation table.
Renegotiating your relationships makes sense if you and your partner are interested in spending (business, private or romantic) life together. While the act of renegotiation is hard to initiate because it aims to discover misalignments, it is far better than WHTT statements where you suddenly find yourself in the arena sharpening your weapons.
If you want to know more about methods for relationship renegotiation, or templates to use for personal vs. professional relationship renegotiations feel free to reach out and I’d be happy to help.
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